Rewrite Right!

Jan Venolia & Ellen Sasaki

59 annotations • May 2023 – Nov 2023 • data

Chapter 3

Good writing is good manners. You can both please and help your public only when you learn how to be the first victim of your writing, how to anticipate a reader's difficulties, and to hear yourself as others hear you.—Ritchie R. Ward

Chapter 4

Have you told readers what they need to know? When you're immersed in a subject, it's easy to lose sight of how much background the reader needs to grasp your ideas. Identify the readers you're addressing and aim for common ground. Start from a place that's familiar to everyone, then gradually introduce new information. In general, it's important to bring readers along one step at a time. If you give them too much information, too abruptly, they may abandon the effort.
When writing for a lay audience, define unfamiliar terms or concepts. Avoid such stiff and long-winded definitions as the following: Caisson disease is a disorder in divers and tunnel workers caused by returning too rapidly from high pressure to atmospheric pressure, characterized by pains in the joints, cramps, paralysis, and eventual death unless treated by gradual decompression. Instead, you might define by the context: Divers who work underwater experience severe cramps and pains in their joints if they return to the surface too rapidly. This condition, known as caisson disease or "the bends," is prevented by increasing the time allowed for decompression. or parenthetically: The divers return to the surface gradually in order to avoid "the bends" (severe cramping and pains in their joints).
When writing for an audience of experts, your "launch point" is different. Only newly coined terms or those from another discipline require explanation. Expert audiences want the facts: what something costs, the size of the market, whether you can scale up from prototype to mass production. For a knowledgeable audience, you can economize on background information, but don't skimp on essential details.
But an unconvinced or antagonistic audience requires different handling. Present your strongest arguments with no waffling. Imagine yourself as the reader; what counterarguments or questions would you raise? Answer them. Does your answer raise other questions? Answer those, too.
Do you make recommendations? If so, present them early. Readers may become impatient following your thought processes step by step, not knowing your conclusions until the end. They want your recommendations up front ("what"), and then how you arrived at them ("why").
Slanted writing erodes your credibility. Avoid making empty claims (fantastic results), applying unfriendly labels (big business, bureaucrat), or using derogatory words (fad, spurious). Back up assertions, or readers will respond with "So what?" or "Why?"
Tone When you're being interviewed for a job, you use one tone of voice. When you're having lunch with a friend, you use another. Similarly, tone in writing is formal or informal, high pressure or low key, partisan or objective.
STUFFY: BETTER: accomplish do advise tell am in possession of have anticipate expect application use (noun) ascertain find by the name of named caused injuries to injured concerning about construct, fabricate build deem think desire want disclose show endeavor try ensuing following eschew avoid forward (verb) send, mail furnish give have need for need in lieu of instead of in the event that if indicate show initiate, commence begin is of the opinion believes, thinks kindly please lengthy long locate find methodology methods not too distant future soon partially partly presently now prior to before procure get pursuant to following, after, since request ask
A tone that is firm, honest, and reasoned fits most situations. Condescension ("As you should have been able to figure out by now…") and breezy intimacy ("We all know why that happened…") have no place in most writing. Irony and sarcasm backfire in the hands of all but the most skilled writers. Above all, be consistent by maintaining the desired tone.
BIASED: NEUTRAL: anchorman anchor businessman executive, manager, entrepreneur, merchant chairman chair congressman member of Congress councilman council member draftsman drafter foreman supervisor layman layperson, lay audience layman's terms non-technical language mailman letter carrier, postal clerk man (noun) human, humanity, human beings, persons, civilization, human race man (verb) staff (e.g., staff the booth), operate, run, work man-hours hours, work-hours, staff-hours manpower personnel, staff, workers repairman service rep salesman salesperson, marketing rep spokesman representative, spokesperson statesman diplomat workmen workers
Biased: Each applicant must submit his resume. Neutral: Each applicant must submit a resume. Biased: The consumer can stretch disposable income if he refrains from impulse buying. Neutral: Consumers can stretch disposable income by refraining from impulse buying. Awkward: Has someone lost his or her gloves? Better: Has someone lost a pair of gloves?
The first rule of style is to have something to say. The second rule of style is to control yourself when, by chance, you have two things to say; say first one, then the other, not both at the same time.—George Polya
Make each paragraph a coherent unit with a limited and well-defined purpose. One thought: one paragraph. Use the first sentence (the topic sentence) to tell what the paragraph is about (the thesis); relate subsequent sentences to the thesis. For example: Men make history and not the other way round. [Topic Sentence] In periods where there is no leadership, society stands still. Progress occurs when courageous, skillful leaders seize the opportunity to change things for the better. —Harry S. Truman
Headings can be single words: Introduction Conclusions Analysis Summary phrases: Tracking Regional Performance Absenteeism under the Flexitime Program complete sentences: Regional performance is uneven. Flexitime reduces absenteeism. or questions: Are regional sales uniform? Will Flexitime improve productivity?
AWKWARD: PARALLEL: Training Technicians Train Technicians Use Your Recorder to Screen New Employees Screen New Employees Time-and-Motion Studies Document Time-and-Motion Studies How to Improve Quality Control Improve Quality Control
A compound sentence is two or more independent clauses. The polls closed at 8 p.m., and independent clause the ballots were counted within an hour. independent clause
A complex sentence is an independent clause plus one or more dependent clauses (a dependent clause cannot stand by itself as a separate sentence). Although the polls closed at 8 p.m., dependent clause we had counted the ballots by 9:00. independent clause
As you can see, each type of sentence has a different "personality." Simple sentences are a good device for making short or emphatic statements. Compound sentences work well with two closely related elements or ideas. Complex sentences are good for presenting background information or for subordinating one idea to another.
The following examples show how some eminent people have used all three types. Notice the variety of ways these sentences begin; different beginnings also make writing more interesting. Simple Sentences: There's no reason to be the richest man in the cemetery. You can't do any business from there.—Colonel Sanders Having two bathrooms ruined the capacity to cooperate. —Margaret Mead Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. —Mark Twain A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. —Anonymous
Compound Sentences: I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.—Bill Cosby I tape, therefore I am.—Studs Terkel The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.—Flip Wilson
Complex Sentences: Fanaticism consists in redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim.—George Santayana A government is the only known vessel that leaks from the top.—James Reston Read over your compositions and, when you meet a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out. —Samuel Johnson
In short, because you knew where you were going, you will know when you've arrived.
Stephen Jay Gould closed an essay on the search for intelligent life in outer space with a question. Ultimately, however, I must justify the attempt at such a long shot simply by stating that a positive result would be the most cataclysmic event in our entire intellectual history. Curiosity impels, and makes us human. Might it impel others as well?
In "The Gift of Wilderness," Wallace Stegner hammers home his message in a long and powerful last sentence. Instead of easing air-pollution controls in order to postpone the education of the automobile industry; instead of opening our forests to greatly increased timber cutting; instead of running our national parks to please and profit the concessionaires; instead of violating our wilderness areas by allowing oil and mineral exploration with rigs and roads and seismic detonations, we might bear in mind what those precious places are: playgrounds, schoolrooms, laboratories, yes, but above all shrines, in which we can learn to know both the natural world and ourselves, and be at least half reconciled to what we see.
Specific: She learns quickly and is eager to increase her skills. When we acquired a Zaplex, she was the first to master the system. Her help in training the rest of the staff proved invaluable.
VAGUE: SPECIFIC: a better position a 23% increase in profits sanitary conditions safe drinking water extenuating circumstances a broken leg the present writer I a plumbing malfunction a leaky faucet
Certain words tell the reader what to expect. But or however warns that you're changing direction; therefore spotlights a conclusion
Confusing: Not all patients do well; some fail completely. The overall results are good. Clear: Not all patients do well; some fail completely. However, the overall results are good.
TRANSITIONAL WORDS To indicate a conclusion: thus, accordingly, therefore, so, hence, as a result, consequently To introduce examples: for instance, namely, for example, to illustrate To build a case: also, similarly, in addition, as well as, furthermore, moreover To change direction or show contrast: on the other hand, however, on the contrary, even though, nonetheless, conversely, but, yet To indicate time, place, or order: finally, first, next, then, further, meanwhile, above all, still, again
Misplaced: It is not expected that tomorrow's speech will deal with the economy but will be confined to… Correct: It is expected that tomorrow's speech will not deal with the economy but will be confined to…

Chapter 5

REDUNDANT EXPRESSIONS (Delete the italicized words) Adjectives absolute necessity active consideration advance reservations both alike close proximity complete monopoly conclusive proof end result final outcome free gift general rule new recruit past history personal opinion positive identification proposed plan root cause single unit temporary reprieve usual custom Nouns Capitol building component parts doctorate degree weather conditions Prepositional Phrases brief in duration classified into groups estimated at about few in number filled to capacity green in color large in size plan in advance rectangular in shape 1 a.m. in the morning Adverbs completely surround eliminate entirely might possibly mutually agreeable really dangerous Prefixes, Suffixes irregardless to the westward unrelentlessly Verb Tails assemble together cancel out connect up continue on enclosed herein face up to follow after hurry up join together made out of merge together visit with Repetitive Phrases (Choose one part) any and all exact same if and when new all-time record high unless and until
Claim. Many careful writers prefer the verbs assert or maintain.
Comprise. To include or be composed of. Avoid is comprised of; instead, use comprises or consists of.
Convince/persuade. Convince involves a state of mind (convince that), persuade a course of action (persuade to).
That/which. Use that to introduce a restrictive clause and which to introduce a nonrestrictive or parenthetical one. Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.—Samuel Johnson My decision, which didn't come easily, is final.
A lifeless verb brings a sentence to a standstill. Exist, occur, and forms of to be and to have are the worst offenders.
Lifeless verbs are often noun-heavy. When indicates becomes is an indication of, and knows becomes has a knowledge of, the pace slows down. Look for word endings like -ment, -tion, -ity, -ance, and -ness, and give them a shot of adrenaline.
E. B. White dramatically described such words as rather, very, little, and pretty as "leeches that infest the pond of prose, sucking the blood of words."

Chapter 6

A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you. —Bert Taylor
Dashes Dashes are an interruption, like waving your finger under the reader's nose. Whenever a colon, semicolon, or comma would serve just as well, use it. Reserve the dash for situations where dramatic emphasis is justified.
There is almost always a greater pleasure to come across a semicolon than a period….You get a pleasant feeling of expectancy; there is more to come; read on; it will get clearer.—George R. Will

Chapter 7

Aesthetics and dramatic effect are also enhanced. "Give me liberty or kill me" wouldn't have gone far in stirring patriotism. To create parallel structure, make an infinitive parallel with an infinitive, an adjective with an adjective, and so on.
Unparallel: At the meeting we will (1) discuss the proposed ordinance, (2) listen to citizen comments, (3) take a vote, and (4) the meeting will then be adjourned. Parallel: At the meeting we will (1) discuss the proposed ordinance, (2) listen to citizen comments, (3) take a vote, and (4) adjourn.
Unparallel: A moment not only of suspense but excitement… Parallel: A moment not only of suspense but of excitement…
Unparallel: The description was both accurate and it was easy to read. Parallel: The description was both accurate and readable.
Use fragments with care. A fragment is a partial sentence; it may lack a subject or predicate, and it does not express a complete thought. The Dictionary of Modern English Usage calls fragments "verbless sentences" that enliven writing by making it more like spoken language.
Fragment: Long but incomplete thoughts that masquerade, right up to the end, as complete thoughts. Complete: Watch out for long but incomplete thoughts that masquerade, right up to the end, as complete thoughts.
Fragment: When I think I know all the answers. Complete: When I think I know all the answers, life asks some more questions.
Run-on: I had another flying lesson today I learned how to stall the plane. Correct: I had another flying lesson today; I learned how to stall the plane.
Run-ons with the word however are especially common. Run-on: We had planned to move into the new building in May, however, construction delays forced us to change our plans. Correct: We had planned to move into the new building in May. However, construction delays…

Chapter 8

Do not begin a sentence with a symbol or abbreviation other than a social title (Ms., Dr., Mrs.). Correct: Dr. Singh will be retiring in May. Wrong: No. 5 shaft was the scene of the cave-in. Correct: Number 5 shaft was the scene of the cave-in. Better: The cave-in occurred in the No. 5 shaft
Numbers The following rules will help you decide whether to express numbers as figures (1, 2, 3) or words (one, two, three). In business or technical writing or in journalism, use words for numbers 1 through 9; use figures for 10 or above. There were three applicants for the job. There were 12 applicants for the job. In writing with a literary flavor, the dividing point is 100 instead of 10.

Glossary

Conjunction. A word that connects words, phrases, and clauses. Coordinating conjunctions (and, but, or, nor, for, yet, and so) connect elements of equal rank. nuts and bolts Tom, Dick, or Harry Two independent clauses are joined by a coordinating conjunction. Music is my mistress, and she plays second fiddle to no one.—Duke Ellington
Gerund. A verb form that ends in -ing and is used as a noun. See Participle. Multitasking is efficient. Writing is the hardest way of earning a living, with the possible exception of wrestling alligators.—Olin Miller
Infinitive. The word to plus the present tense of a verb. In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence.—Laurence Peter
A complex sentence is one independent and one or more dependent clauses. When ideas fail, words come in very handy.—Johann Goethe Power and violence are opposites; where one rules absolutely, the other is absent.—Hannah Arendt
Transitive verbs require a direct object to complete their meaning. Big girls need big diamonds.—Margaux Hemingway
Intransitive verbs do not require an object. Society attacks early when the individual is helpless. —B. F. Skinner